As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
