he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Randomize
