he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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