I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
