Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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