Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
