wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
