I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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