Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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