she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
