They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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