I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
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