Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
