So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
