So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize