tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
