he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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