Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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