TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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