My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
