just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
