I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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