you traded sex for a burrito?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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