I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
