i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
