Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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