i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
