the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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