Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
