What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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