Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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