lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
