I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
