I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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