His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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