So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
