im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
