he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
