She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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