Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
