is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Randomize
