Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
this is an emotional support booty call
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
