It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
