I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
