he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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