areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
