the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
