I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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