You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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