I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
