how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
