would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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