Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
