wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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