Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
