there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
