You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
