I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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