mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
