he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
