I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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