Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
